So, Um...

I fell off the face of the earth, apparently.

TJ is 2 1/2. I'm divorced. His daddy is overseas on his first tour. I moved.

Long, long story... Despite my being the baby's sole caretaker for the first two years of his life, rarely getting any help from his father... ok, steer clear of that for now, stay calm... it became a condition of the divorce that his father have full custody.

My own father and sister backed him up, even though they have both seen how little the man knows, or even tried to learn, about dealing with a child.

I'm trying to keep this post short, and I'm not quite ready to go into the details of the situation... and all the self-evaluation and guilt that entails... just yet.

My sister, the unmarried, "I'm never going to have children" 33 year old who just got evicted from her house (steer clear, think about it later) is now my son's caretaker while his father is overseas. I haven't seen him since the week before Christmas. If I'm lucky, I get a phone call once a week. My calls have often gone unanswered... I need a mantra: something along the lines of "This isn't the time or place for that yet."

Anyway. There's my kid.


Mom died a week after TJ's first birthday. I had been putting off moving back home, mostly because I didn't want to deal with my father, until it was close to the big 0-1 and TJ's father began whining about not being able to visit his son on his birthday. So I stayed. And stayed. And stayed... and one day, Mom actually ended the phone conversation before I did. She was tired. She sounded tired. I let her hang up, cried, and slowly started packing.
She died the next day.


I, on the other hand, am now in Texas. TJ's father told me over a year ago that he had either filed for divorce or was "just about to" (it went back and forth). I had been wanting this since I was pregnant, but I didn't have a job, so there was no way for me to pay for it.

Stupid me believed I would be divorced soon, so I thought it would be ok to start a relationship... I'd known of plenty of people who dated while they were separated-awaiting-divorce.
Long story short, I've only been divorced for about 3 months, during which time the news of the deployment came down and Daddy decided he finally wanted to be a father... now that he was leaving the country. ("TITTOPFTY") Anyway.

Only divorced for 3 months, but with a wonderful man, a real man, for 11 months now.

This is the right one.


I hope to be posting somewhat regularly from now on, as I turn yet another New Leaf.

Announcing...

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but it is still hard to sit at the computer for any length of time. I have big news...



My water broke at 9:30 the morning of my sister's birthday, and 29 1/2 grueling yet boring hours later, TJ finally made his grand entrance on November 25 at 2:56 pm! At 7 pounds, 2 ounces, and 21 inches long, he was awake and alert at birth, didn't fuss (after his mouth and nose were cleaned out with the suction bulb, that is), and was eager to see and touch everything in sight. He even grabbed his daddy's thumb as he was cutting the cord! He cooed at all the nurses and techs, already stealing hearts.
After a short bout with moderate jaundice and much trouble learning to nurse, we went home Thanksgiving afternoon, where my mom made ham and vegetables and had to feed me on the couch. I had a third degree laceration and couldn't sit up well, and I needed help getting to the bathroom for a few days. I'm still on oxycodone for the pain.
Black Friday saw me in the ER clutching a ziploc bag with a pear-sized clot in it, waiting and worrying for two hours until I was seen. Mom and I both agreed that it looked like a piece of the placenta, but that had been checked in the delivery room and was whole. My ultrasound was clear, so I was sent home with yet another needle hole in my arm. Two IVs, three blood draws, and a failed attempt in less than a week sure leave one looking like a heroin junkie. At the follow-up appointment, I got the pathology results: the clot was indeed placental tissue, but not part of TJ's--it was a completely separate placenta, but without a baby in it. ...How close did I come to having twins? Scary.
I have much to be thankful for with this precocious child, not the least of which is that he's a generally happy baby with no colic. He fusses only until his needs are met and not when he simply wants attention. He falls asleep on his own. He has no physical defects. He has a beautiful smile.
This is my baby.

It's Ok, I Would Have Given Up On Me Too

It's been far too long, and far too busy. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, but sometimes it feels like it.

First announcement: DH and I have decided to settle here in Fayetteville instead of moving back to Georgia! In the short run, this means I get to keep my OB and give birth with the facilities and staff I know, instead of "Podunk General" in the mountains. I'm very happy about that. On the down side, we won't be living with my parents, so instant baby help will not be available. On that note, I should be able to continue to take advantage of at least some of the free or reduced rate programs on post, even though DH's ETS date is in November--he joined the Reserves for the family health care. He's now on terminal leave from active Army.
I feel much better, much more stable and supported, finally knowing what's going to happen in the next few months, rather than the flipping back and forth between moving and staying. That indecision was killing me. I think I'll be more willing to post more often now that I know somewhat where my life is going.

Ooh, did I reveal that it's a BOY?!??! Healthy and normal, as far as the ultrasounds can tell. We've decided to name him after DH's father and my maternal grandfather. MAN did we fight about the name. I'm not thrilled about his choice and he's not thrilled about mine, but at least we're on the same page (heh).

What else of interest? Ummm... well, at least you know I'm not dead. I'll get my thoughts in order later.

Ick

I don't feel good. I threw up again tonight. It's turning out to be every Saturday. Joy. What did you do to combat morning sickness?

Ewww

After the OB appointment, I saw DH off to work and went to my favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch. I wanted wonton soup and steamed dumplings. Not five minutes after I ordered, I saw a house roach weaving its way along the windowsill.
Oh. Joy.
I waved the hostess over and pointed it out to her, and she acted like it had personally insulted her by patronizing her establishment. She was mad. That roach was not welcome. I never want to be on a Chinese woman's bad side. She apologized profusely and brought my food out soon after.
I might have been able to talk myself around a single roach, but for some reason, the food was just sub-par. They had switched their brewed iced tea to the icky powdered stuff (I can taste the difference), the wonton was undercooked and almost crunchy, and the dumplings were pasty.
Can anyone recommend a good Chinese place here? I need a new favorite.

Scary

Today was my first OB appointment at the hospital. I waited and waited to be seen, getting me nice and agitated for the doctor. DH napped with his head in his hand beside me while my leg jiggled nonstop. Nervousness.
The doc couldn't find the heartbeat.
We switched from the doppler to the portable ultrasound, squishing almost-hot gel on my abdomen again. No heartbeat. No baby. Just a very full bladder. Another doc came in to look. Nothing. I dressed and waited to be seen in the 3-D ultrasound room.
More waiting. More nervousness. I voiced my concern to DH, who said I was a worrywart. No help there.
We traveled a few hallways down to the big ultrasound room, where I got more almost-hot gel and a very determined tech. She was going to find that baby if she made me pee my pants, darn it.
She almost did, too. But she found that baby, darn it. Just a grain of rice in a sea of black. It was almost as an afterthought that DH asked how far along I am. I'm glad he did; I totally forgot to! I'm exactly 5 weeks and 3 days along, so no worries about the hot tub or ibuprofen I had in Florida. I actually got on prenatal vitamins earlier than most women know they're pregnant (that is, when they're not particularly trying, like me), so I've got a pretty good start for this kid. I'm still a high-risk pregnancy, but I finally feel like I can announce to everyone that I'm knocked up!
Now if only this nausea would go away, I'd be dandy...

I Swear, This Is Not A Mommy Blog

My first true OB appointment is this Friday, but I have to go to the hospital sometime this week to pee in a cup because the sample I gave last week was somehow contaminated. I'm going to get a physical and a Pap smear (yippee skippy) and hopefully schedule an ultrasound. I can't wait for that! I really want to know how far along I really am. I'm so afraid I did something while in Florida that screwed up the kid. DH isn't very helpful with my fears; he call me a worrywart. My mom had two miscarriages out of four. Not very good odds for this kid. Then again, she didn't have morning sickness and I haven't not been nauseous for a week.
DH is still trying to decide whether or not to reenlist. If he does, he'll reclass, and hopefully will enjoy the new job more than this one. I hope he decides soon. It's just yet another thing for me to be on pins and needles about.

Ok, Ok!

Wow, I have a readership! And they even hold me to my word!
Ok, ok, it's been 10 days. The OB says I'm 10 weeks pregnant! It is entirely possible I'm that far along, because I really can't remember if I had a period in late February or not. Things were so hectic then that I just can't remember. I visited DH, got sick for a week, went back home, busted my butt trying to catch up in band and learn the marching sequence, and went on tour. I never missed it.
So now I'm on prenatal vitamins and hoping the ultrasound shows I'm not quite so far along, because during the band tour I took a lot of ibuprofen to keep my knees going. I'm craving, sleeping all day, getting dizzy going up the stairs, and getting backaches, but at least I don't have morning sickness!

Phone Call

That urgent phone call from DH was to ask me to come back to NC earlier than planned. Originally I was going to finish out the semester in band and move after the last performance. Developments that I can't talk about pushed up that timetable, so here I am, and having been here for two weeks, I'm missing all the stuff I had to leave in Georgia for a while. I'm particularly missing my books, quilting supplies, and stationery.
I've been applying for jobs, but no luck yet.

Where To Start?

I guess I'll just catch up from last month. I went to visit DH for Valentine's Day and got incredibly sick for a week, missing band and work. When I was finally well enough to make the 7-hour drive, I went home and slept for 18 hours straight. It was hard trying to catch up in band, since we had to memorize all our music AND the marching sequence in two weeks. We had a great performance at the local high school, minus one major screwup (at least it wasn't mine). We watched videos of every show to make the next one better. Then we went on tour! Every day on our trip was a show day, five shows total. Heading down to Disney World, we stopped in south Georgia twice to perform. The second show was in a gym on those strip tarps they use to protect the floor--problem was, they hadn't put them down correctly and were trip hazards. Nearly everyone got caught on them at least once, myself included. I almost went down, with a sousaphone on my shoulders! We had a blast in Florida, even though I was so tired I was walking dead. I of course got a pair of mouse ears, with a ring in one ear and a patch on the front that said "Pirate Princess". And of course I went on the teacups and Space Mountain.
While I was down there I got a phone call from DH...

Back By Popular Demand!

Well, not so much, but LAW reminded me of my responsibility to my minute readership. I've had a flu for the past week, which is why I haven't posted lately. Today I finally feel like I might be getting better, which is a GREAT thing because I'm still in North Carolina visiting the hubby. I got so sick I couldn't drive home. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning to get home in time for band camp all weekend. DH and I are getting along much better now. I think we kind of get each other better. He and I both got into World of Warcraft, so now we play together instead of me trying to entertain myself while he plays video games. It helps. We're even in a guild with other guys from his company.
My mind is wandering to strange places again, so I think I need another dose of medicine and a nap.

Unwritten

Rarely do I put up videos, but this song really spoke to me today. It's "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.



I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned...

No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips!

Today is where your book begins--the rest is still unwritten.

Cursed

It seems that a lot of people I know are getting injured in one way or another! My mom just spent another weekend in the hospital with a kidney infection (she's fine now), a friend from college just got word that his father has prostate cancer, my best friend's dad had a stroke Saturday, and now Butterfly Wife has stitches in her thumb! None of these people have anything to do with each other--I'm the common denominator. Is it me?? Am I cursed?
Not to mention I totaled my car last Thursday... I'm ok, just a bruise on my arm from the airbag banging it against the steering wheel. The woman in front of me was stopped, trying to turn left, as I crested the hill. I was going too fast for the rain and hydroplaned right into her.
Turns out she's 7 months pregnant.
She went to the hospital with her fiance ("Don't people do things in order anymore?" my mom commented) to get checked out, but as far as I know they're all fine. The wrecker took one look at my car and pronounced it totaled. I cleaned it out as it sat in front of the body shop yesterday. We're still waiting on the insurance adjuster to come by and say, "Yup, it's totaled."

On another note, I did my civic duty and voted today. I'm not too thrilled about the election, but I put in my two cents, by Jove. At the moment I'm multitasking, what with trying to practice tuba, blog, and work on a book idea I had in high school. I'll email it to you if you want to read it.

Vows

I'm married. At 23, I have made that lifelong decision already. So... I guess I'd better go fulfill that commitment.

Having already made a commitment to the band here, I will keep that one till the end of April, after the last concert. After that, at around the same time as last year, I'll move back to North Carolina. I made my vows. I'll keep them.

Learning To Love

I've been thinking a lot lately. Things I miss, things I don't miss, things I want in life. I pose a question to my few readers: Do you think you can learn to love someone in time?

Wishlist Update

It was pointed out to me that I have very little jewelry. Nothing really goes with anything I have to wear, and I don't have any "daily" type jewelry. So! To rectify that situation, I have spent the last hour on Amazon.com adding jewelry to my wishlist. I can't sleep. Something I ate is not agreeing with me tonight.
Tomorrow I start the South Beach diet. I need to lose this gut.

I'm working with Mom to help me pay off my credit card debt. Hopefully I won't lose too much money to interest.

Didn't Lose It After All

Apparently I didn't lose my job. I just got written up and taken off the schedule for a week. I'm working tomorrow night for another girl who can't cover her shift, so I'll at least get some money this next paycheck. I think I'm ready to go back to work, even though I hate it. I need the money for my credit card.

So Here I Am

I suppose it's time for an update, eh? I've been commenting but I haven't written anything of my own in a while. I've been struggling with the "to blog or not to blog" question. Well here goes:

The hubby and I are separated.

It's a long story, but the basic gist is that we don't get along and can't live together. We're fine as friends, though. We get along for short periods of time but not extended. So I moved back to my little mountain town to my parents' house. When their tenant leaves, I'll move back into the basement, but I'm in the guest room right now. I feel like a temporary visitor.
I have a job at a young womens' clothing store at the outlet mall and I'm beginning to dislike it. I hate being on my feet all day and doing the same things over and over again. At least I'm making money to pay off my credit card.
I'm also back in therapy. I'm doing better than I was this summer, but I needed an adjustment to my meds today. I plan on returning to college in the spring too, for my criminal justice degree.
I'm doing better.

The Doe

Last Friday, I was driving home from an 8-hour shift in an extremely busy women's clothing store, packed with people looking for a bargain after Thanksgiving. It wasn't as stressful or tiring as I had expected, so I was in rather good spirits on the ride home. Only a mile from my house, a deer, lithe and graceful, was just stepping into the other lane. She observed me with one eye, then darted towards my car. I gasped as her head hit my sideview mirror, snapping it back. There was a large truck behind me, so I wasn't able to stop to see how badly she was hurt. I imagine the impact at 40 miles an hour snapped her neck. The truck stopped, and through my rearview, I saw someone cross in front of the headlights. Perhaps they had fresh meat for dinner that night.
The next morning revealed two knee-dents in my driver's side door. I realized later that if I had taken my foot off the gas, even momentarily, the doe would have landed on my hood and come through the windshield to meet me. If I had sped up, even a little, she may have been gravely injured but not killed, limping around the mountains in pain until she either healed or starved to death. There aren't many predators around here.
Tonight I was nearly to my driveway when another doe's eyes shined red at me from the side of the road. I braced, waiting for a repeat of last week's encounter, but this doe turned tail and dashed up the hill, away from me and my other sideview mirror.
Whew.

Greeting

I will never again ignore a greeter. I have been one for far too long on Black Friday.

Black Friday, of course, is the retail term for the Friday after Thanksgiving, during which many stores are open for a full 24 hours straight (midnight to midnight) and the parking is nonexistent. Crowds are so thick they induce claustrophobia in people who have never had symptoms. People get crazy over the last item. I stood there for about 5 hours saying hi to everyone who came in the store and attempting to hand out shopping bags.
If you're offered something by a greeter, just take it, or hold your hand up, smile, and say no thanks. Makes our job so much easier, and keeps us from getting down. I'm sure most people who do the same thing don't take it personally, but I seem to take everything to heart. I'm not sure how to stop that.
My back hurts, my feet hurt, I'm tired, and I get to go back again tomorrow. Hooray for the real world.