It's Ok, I Would Have Given Up On Me Too

It's been far too long, and far too busy. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, but sometimes it feels like it.

First announcement: DH and I have decided to settle here in Fayetteville instead of moving back to Georgia! In the short run, this means I get to keep my OB and give birth with the facilities and staff I know, instead of "Podunk General" in the mountains. I'm very happy about that. On the down side, we won't be living with my parents, so instant baby help will not be available. On that note, I should be able to continue to take advantage of at least some of the free or reduced rate programs on post, even though DH's ETS date is in November--he joined the Reserves for the family health care. He's now on terminal leave from active Army.
I feel much better, much more stable and supported, finally knowing what's going to happen in the next few months, rather than the flipping back and forth between moving and staying. That indecision was killing me. I think I'll be more willing to post more often now that I know somewhat where my life is going.

Ooh, did I reveal that it's a BOY?!??! Healthy and normal, as far as the ultrasounds can tell. We've decided to name him after DH's father and my maternal grandfather. MAN did we fight about the name. I'm not thrilled about his choice and he's not thrilled about mine, but at least we're on the same page (heh).

What else of interest? Ummm... well, at least you know I'm not dead. I'll get my thoughts in order later.

Learning To Love

I've been thinking a lot lately. Things I miss, things I don't miss, things I want in life. I pose a question to my few readers: Do you think you can learn to love someone in time?

Wishlist Update

It was pointed out to me that I have very little jewelry. Nothing really goes with anything I have to wear, and I don't have any "daily" type jewelry. So! To rectify that situation, I have spent the last hour on Amazon.com adding jewelry to my wishlist. I can't sleep. Something I ate is not agreeing with me tonight.
Tomorrow I start the South Beach diet. I need to lose this gut.

I'm working with Mom to help me pay off my credit card debt. Hopefully I won't lose too much money to interest.

Lost It

I lost my job today. Or rather, I'm putting in notice before they can fire me. I've missed two days of work now due to anxiety attacks. Wednesday afternoon I slept right through my shift. Hours before work starts, or even the night before, I get so anxious and stressed about going to work that it's finally come to this. They've been very accommodating so far about my mom and needing to take care of her, but now I've missed work entirely and I feel like I owe it to them to leave so they can find someone without problems to work around.
I feel so useless.

Scary Victory

I have been in the same mood for 24 hours now. I see it as a kind of victory. It's also scary as hell; what will I do with myself if I actually do get "normalized"? What do I do when I'm not a special case anymore? What will I do when I have to fly on my own?

A Better Day

Today is a bit better than the past week. I have something to look forward to tonight and the heat is finally working in the basement. Things are starting to look up, but I'm staying reserved for a while to see how this new medication will work out.

Weaning

I'm now weaning off the old drug and onto the new one (wow, that makes me sound like an addict). The mood swings are still only 12 hours or less in duration, and it's driving me bonkers. I've had those body-wracking sobs that just wear you out and leave you feeling empty and achy. I feel like I'll never get better and this is the end. Then, when that finally subsides, I can't stop thinking about how the "better" feeling is just a swing and will change soon. It won't last.
I've got to get out of this rut.

I'm not going back to school this semester. The only class I need that's still open is at 8 am, and I know I can't make it to class that early, consistently. I feel useless.

I'm moving back down to the basement. Dad decided that I have to keep the cats down here with me now, since I was the one who adopted them. Fair enough; now I can put them on the diet they both desperately need.

Living Hell

The past two days have been a living hell for me. I've had such extreme ups and downs that my whole body aches and I'm tired of emotions. I don't want to feel. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to dream.
I need a change in medication, that much is clear. I may need something more to get me on track. Last night I was looking up psychiatric hospitals near me. Do I really want to go that route?

Happy New Year!

Hopefully it will be better than this past year. As I reflect, I have the feeling that just about anything would be better than the year I've just lived through. I would rather concentrate on the fireworks I see flashing across the valley, sending echoes over the trees. A new year, a new leaf. It's a chance to start over, I suppose, but doesn't every day hold the same chance? New Year's is just another day, after all. I think I have to look at every day as a new leaf to turn over. If there is but one opportunity in every day, I think I can keep my hopes up and my mood elevated.
Looking forward, I see flashes of light in my future, much like the fireworks shining over my little valley. I will have to wait to see what they are.

My Clay

For too long I've been trying to make everyone else happy. I stayed in a relationship for a year longer than I should have before I finally ended it, I turned a blind eye again and again to another boyfriend's cheating and lying, I took college courses when I really had no business doing so, and I've given up so much to be where I am now. Over the past year I've been slowly learning the difference between my wants and other people's wants. I've discovered that there IS a difference. I'm not a rug for other people to walk on, clay for other people to shape. I am the sculptor, and the clay is MY life. I can let other people add their own indentations to it, but I don't have to keep them, and I sure as heck need to get off my tuckus and grab that clay for myself.
I'm ready to go back to school. I'm ready to graduate. I'm ready for a real job. I'm ready to take charge of myself and my life and not let other people take care of me.

Leave of Absence

I haven't been posting much lately because the depression is getting worse and any posts during this time would be all "woe is me" and not anything anyone would want to read. So I spare you. Today is a particularly bad day as my therapist recommended that I check myself in. I cried for a good while after that.

Oh

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly. "One must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower." -- Hans Christian Anderson

Borrowed from Butterfly Wife, this quote really spoke to me today. Perked me up a bit. Tomorrow starts the job search again. I need something to keep me busy. Something other than crochet, because that's starting to get old, and if I let it get boring and routine, I'll quit and have too much yarn left over.

Stuck, Again

I'm stuck. I'm bored, jobless, depressed, and I just want to eat. We're on a diet. No depressive/boredness eating for me. Bored. Bored bored bored. Stuck. Bored.
I hate weekends.

Murderer

I killed DH's cat.

That's how it feels to me, anyway. What with everything else, I was overwhelmed and tried to cut things into smaller, easier-to-handle pieces. I needed to simplify. I insisted that she go to a new home, and DH bargained with my mom to have her take the cat. I wasn't too happy with it, as Mom already had 2 male cats and I didn't want to impose, but a 7-hour drive and a weekend later, we were cat-free.

She stopped eating.
Mom found her body by the dryer yesterday.

Pile

This is the pile of squares that will, probably by morning cause I can't sleep, become a blanket.

Bordering

GAH... Must... finish border... on.....last... piece... before... putting together.....rest of.. blanket........argh!
It's just too tempting! I want to start piecing together the whole thing, finally! I want to see what it really looks like, rather than just placing the squares together on the floor! GAAAH!
After laying it all out on the floor again tonight (am I excited or what?), I decided on putting it together now, without the other row of squares. It'll be a lap blanket instead of a short blanket (I don't know how someone can sleep under some of those tiny things!) but it'll be a blanket!

I've moved into the guest room for the time being. I have to get my head screwed on straight(er) before I can start making decisions like... should I stay or should I go... dun nunna nunna nunna nun.

Looks like I've gravitated towards many short, stream-of-consciousness posts. Lovely.

For Butterfly Wife

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Uh-Oh

I am even now trying to control my surroundings by picking a fight. I realized what I was doing and retired to the computer, but I'm afraid the damage has been done. It's been going too well for me to feel comfortable. I've waited long enough for the other shoe to drop, now the crazy part of me is determined to shake the damn shoe out of the tree.
Why can't I just enjoy the good times?

Sale!

I like crocheting so much, I now have too many potholders. I'm in the middle of a blanket that'll be finished before I thought it would, and I'm still unemployed. SO! ...who wants to buy a set of handmade, machine washable potholders? I'm making them with stripes too now. Or a scarf! I can make it with colors of your choice!

Here's one of the large granny squares for the blanket:



If you're patient, I can even make you a blanket too!

This week has been a good one in terms of what didn't happen. It sucked in terms of what did... nothing bad happened, we didn't get in any fights, I was able to control my anger a lot better... but I was constantly on edge (still am) waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the fight to explode. It didn't, and I'm more frazzled now at the end of the week than if it had. I'm not looking forward to the weekend.

Crochet Update

The blue scarf is finished, and after visiting the yarn shop near my parents' house, I started a blanket of granny squares. They're not just for Granny any more!



This is the one I like.



This is the one DH likes, so to compromise, I'm using both patterns. I don't have enough green to stitch them together, so I think I'll make a border on all squares in white and then stitch them together. Hopefully that'll look ok.