Wishlist Update

It was pointed out to me that I have very little jewelry. Nothing really goes with anything I have to wear, and I don't have any "daily" type jewelry. So! To rectify that situation, I have spent the last hour on Amazon.com adding jewelry to my wishlist. I can't sleep. Something I ate is not agreeing with me tonight.
Tomorrow I start the South Beach diet. I need to lose this gut.

I'm working with Mom to help me pay off my credit card debt. Hopefully I won't lose too much money to interest.

Didn't Lose It After All

Apparently I didn't lose my job. I just got written up and taken off the schedule for a week. I'm working tomorrow night for another girl who can't cover her shift, so I'll at least get some money this next paycheck. I think I'm ready to go back to work, even though I hate it. I need the money for my credit card.

Wow

Oh.
My.
Lord.

I am not having kids till I have the ability to keep up with them, 24/7. I know that will probably never happen, but at least it's a goal. I just took care of a 5 year old and a 1 1/2 year old for a few hours during a benefit concert at school, and BOY am I worn out. The little one just wanted to be held the whole time, and the midget had unlimited energy and fell in love with the elevator. We went up and down the stairs to eventually go into and out of the elevator at every level. I'm not even sure this post is making any sense right now because I'm so tired.

Today was my first day back in the military band too. I was so nervous at first, because I hadn't picked up a tuba in 2 years. After we started playing, I quickly got back into the groove and remembered fingerings and songs, surprising myself with how good I sounded. SO! Now there's a new label for my blog. Tomorrow is symphonic band. We'll see how that goes. There's some music in the repertoire this semester that I love and have played before, so I'm excited.

Lost It

I lost my job today. Or rather, I'm putting in notice before they can fire me. I've missed two days of work now due to anxiety attacks. Wednesday afternoon I slept right through my shift. Hours before work starts, or even the night before, I get so anxious and stressed about going to work that it's finally come to this. They've been very accommodating so far about my mom and needing to take care of her, but now I've missed work entirely and I feel like I owe it to them to leave so they can find someone without problems to work around.
I feel so useless.

Scary Victory

I have been in the same mood for 24 hours now. I see it as a kind of victory. It's also scary as hell; what will I do with myself if I actually do get "normalized"? What do I do when I'm not a special case anymore? What will I do when I have to fly on my own?

A Better Day

Today is a bit better than the past week. I have something to look forward to tonight and the heat is finally working in the basement. Things are starting to look up, but I'm staying reserved for a while to see how this new medication will work out.

Weaning

I'm now weaning off the old drug and onto the new one (wow, that makes me sound like an addict). The mood swings are still only 12 hours or less in duration, and it's driving me bonkers. I've had those body-wracking sobs that just wear you out and leave you feeling empty and achy. I feel like I'll never get better and this is the end. Then, when that finally subsides, I can't stop thinking about how the "better" feeling is just a swing and will change soon. It won't last.
I've got to get out of this rut.

I'm not going back to school this semester. The only class I need that's still open is at 8 am, and I know I can't make it to class that early, consistently. I feel useless.

I'm moving back down to the basement. Dad decided that I have to keep the cats down here with me now, since I was the one who adopted them. Fair enough; now I can put them on the diet they both desperately need.

Living Hell

The past two days have been a living hell for me. I've had such extreme ups and downs that my whole body aches and I'm tired of emotions. I don't want to feel. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to dream.
I need a change in medication, that much is clear. I may need something more to get me on track. Last night I was looking up psychiatric hospitals near me. Do I really want to go that route?