Ick

I don't feel good. I threw up again tonight. It's turning out to be every Saturday. Joy. What did you do to combat morning sickness?

Lost It

I lost my job today. Or rather, I'm putting in notice before they can fire me. I've missed two days of work now due to anxiety attacks. Wednesday afternoon I slept right through my shift. Hours before work starts, or even the night before, I get so anxious and stressed about going to work that it's finally come to this. They've been very accommodating so far about my mom and needing to take care of her, but now I've missed work entirely and I feel like I owe it to them to leave so they can find someone without problems to work around.
I feel so useless.

Living Hell

The past two days have been a living hell for me. I've had such extreme ups and downs that my whole body aches and I'm tired of emotions. I don't want to feel. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to dream.
I need a change in medication, that much is clear. I may need something more to get me on track. Last night I was looking up psychiatric hospitals near me. Do I really want to go that route?

Prayers Please

I spent most of the day today in the hospital with my mom. She has pneumonia, but the doc says she might go home tomorrow. We called the ambulance at 4 this morning becuase she wouldn't stop throwing up. I'm asking for your prayers for her.
She looks so forlorn in that blue bed with her bald little head, asking for water every so often. I'm suddenly struck by her mortality.

I Can't Stop Moving

It's been a really crappy weekend. For most people, it's TGIF. For me, it's TGIM. Things at home seem to get better, then explode. Vicious cycle. More on that later.
I'm on a new prescription that makes me have to move all the time. I'm afraid it'll trigger a manic spending phase, especially since I just got my credit card reprinted. I don't need to be using that little thing without a job, but I also can't be using my debit card. I keep getting overdraft fees. I don't know which is worse, the depression or a manic phase.
Be right back. I have to go walk around the building a few dozen times.

Down Day

I go up and down, most of the time, sometimes multiple times in a day. Today has been mostly down. I've gotten back into crochet, at least. Things have been overwhelming lately. Maybe I'll post about it later.

I wish... I wish a lot of things.

Leave of Absence

I haven't been posting much lately because the depression is getting worse and any posts during this time would be all "woe is me" and not anything anyone would want to read. So I spare you. Today is a particularly bad day as my therapist recommended that I check myself in. I cried for a good while after that.

Stuck, Again

I'm stuck. I'm bored, jobless, depressed, and I just want to eat. We're on a diet. No depressive/boredness eating for me. Bored. Bored bored bored. Stuck. Bored.
I hate weekends.

Bad Week

This has been a really shitty week. It started with a rage and went downhill from there. DH kept me up last night till midnight, talking. I really didn't want to talk, but he did. So I listened. And cried. It was that kind of conversation. It wasn't fun at all. At this point I'm only looking forward to my reunion this Saturday because it'll get me out of the house. I'm making a whole week out of it. I just feel like a steamroller has flattened me to the ground. I'm hating life.
I can't think of a single time in my life when I was actually happy and not worrying about 100 things at once. I always worry. I can't even pet a cat without worrying about whose cat it is, if it's being taken care of, if it'll scratch me, if it's hungry, if the litter box has been taken care of, etc etc ad nauseam. I think of things that need to be done. I worry about my job, or lack thereof. I worry about the bills. I worry about healthcare. I can never silence those voices. I can never watch a sunset and be happy in what it is, without worrying about tomorrow and what I didn't get accomplished today. I've never been happy. I don't think I ever will be. I won't know what it is if it suddenly hits me tomorrow.

It's not working, Sean. I tried. We're in the same boat now.

Useless

To cheer myself up, I decided to make a list of all I got accomplished today.
-two loads of laundry
-one load of dishes
-got prescription refills on post
-tried out a new crochet pattern (hard on the hands!)
-........

Well, I guess that's it. Shorter than I thought. Sigh. I've sighed a lot today.

Things to do tomorrow:
-apply at more places for jobs
-laundry/dishes (they never stop)
-make more of those new potholders and list them on Etsy
-work on the new blanket some more (and post pictures)

I feel so useless.

Sigh

Neither of the interviews panned out; in fact, neither one called me back, answered the phone when I called, or returned my messages. Big hint, huh?
DH and I will be waiting in line starting at 9 tonight for Halo 3. At first I thought it was ridiculous, but then I remembered my high school days spent waiting in line for Star Wars.
Lots of things have been going on, but I just don't feel like blogging about them just yet. If you do the prayer thing, I sure need some.

Lyrics

This song came on the radio as I was on my way home from the store today. It really spoke to me somehow. I got home, looked it up on YouTube, and have been playing it back to back since. Here are the lyrics:

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Six Years

There is so much to say about today, and so many ways for me to screw it up or not get it right... I've decided to leave it to the better bloggers today. I do remember where I was when I heard the news -- economics class, senior year of high school, third period. The principal announced it on the PA and ended the school day at noon. I spent my lunch hour in the library, watching the news with other students. Many were waiting in line at the office, the library, the teachers' lounge, anywhere there was a phone, to try to call family members who may have been affected. There were several who died.
This month I go to my 5 year class reunion. Before we begin drinking (it was a Catholic school, after all), I imagine we will have a moment of prayer and sharing of stories. We spent that day together. We will remember it together.

Murderer

I killed DH's cat.

That's how it feels to me, anyway. What with everything else, I was overwhelmed and tried to cut things into smaller, easier-to-handle pieces. I needed to simplify. I insisted that she go to a new home, and DH bargained with my mom to have her take the cat. I wasn't too happy with it, as Mom already had 2 male cats and I didn't want to impose, but a 7-hour drive and a weekend later, we were cat-free.

She stopped eating.
Mom found her body by the dryer yesterday.

A Wrinkle Has Died

Another sad day for me. One of my favorite authors, Madeleine L'Engle, has died. Her books were the most imaginative I had ever read when I discovered A Wrinkle In Time in second grade.

Sad Day For Music

Luciano Pavarotti, the owner of that magnificent rich tenor voice that captivated me as a child, has died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 71. I only liked operas that he sang, and unfortunately never got to see him live. I did get to see a rerun of his performance at the opening ceremony of the Winter Games last year. My father used to love the Three Tenors when they sang together. He'd have the stereo so loud, I listened in my room without letting on that I actually liked it... the one live heavy opera I did see was Don Giovanni at the Fabulous Fox Theatre in Atlanta, and it was heavy for a high schooler. The voices were great, but not like Pavarotti's.
My very first live opera was the light opera The Pirates of Penzance when I was 11 or 12. The storyline reminds me a little of the newer Pirates of the Carribbean trilogy. I especially remember the part where the pirate captain was reading the young man's contract to him, and decared he was to be of service until his 19th "yadhtrib".... and turned the paper rightside-up... "birthday."