This has been a really shitty week. It started with a rage and went downhill from there. DH kept me up last night till midnight, talking. I really didn't want to talk, but he did. So I listened. And cried. It was that kind of conversation. It wasn't fun at all. At this point I'm only looking forward to my reunion this Saturday because it'll get me out of the house. I'm making a whole week out of it. I just feel like a steamroller has flattened me to the ground. I'm hating life.
I can't think of a single time in my life when I was actually happy and not worrying about 100 things at once. I always worry. I can't even pet a cat without worrying about whose cat it is, if it's being taken care of, if it'll scratch me, if it's hungry, if the litter box has been taken care of, etc etc ad nauseam. I think of things that need to be done. I worry about my job, or lack thereof. I worry about the bills. I worry about healthcare. I can never silence those voices. I can never watch a sunset and be happy in what it is, without worrying about tomorrow and what I didn't get accomplished today. I've never been happy. I don't think I ever will be. I won't know what it is if it suddenly hits me tomorrow.
It's not working, Sean. I tried. We're in the same boat now.
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry you are having a crappy week. ok, so I don't know you except what I have read, but I have to ask if you have tried some counseling or are you just having "one of those weeks?" You can be happy, but you may need some help to do it. I have a son who has learned to be happy... his daughter makes him happy too. do it a minute at a time one minute of not worrying.. then another.. and try for 5.
If you haven't tried it, Military One Source could help with a counselor, if you feel the need or the want. Otherwise, c'mon over,and we'll find something to laugh about!!
LAW
My experience with getting rid of that constant worry started by not worrying for one moment at a time. And it takes diligence and persistence and self-forgiveness. So for example, I see something beautiful that makes me go wow. I just try to stay in that moment of wonderment. When my mind wanders to the worry, I just try to be aware of it at first. Catching myself. For me that was the first step. To recognize when I was getting away from living in the present moment.
Have I recommended to you "Peace is Every Step" by Thict Nhat Hanh. That book taught me how to live in the present moment. I seriously recommend it to anyone who deals with anxiety issues.
Good luck to you.
I'm still working on my side, she's coming down and there is still a light at the end of my tunnel, have to see how it goes.
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