The Diary Of Jane

This Breaking Benjamin song confuses me and speaks to me at the same time. I recently ended a toxic friendship, the longest running friendship I've ever had. You can imagine how hard that was for me in and of itself, but the circumstances surrounding my decision... really sucked. Try as I might, I just can't get her out of my head, can't put the whole ugly mess behind me and move on. I still dwell. I still wonder "what if" I'd said something else, something earlier. What if I'd given up on it long ago, as 20/20 hindsight shows me I had plenty of reason to do. What if someone else had been in her place at my wedding? What if I didn't have a stab of pain and betrayal every time I look the photos of what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life...

Something's getting in the way, something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page, as I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane

I burn that page in my life over and over again, look away, anywhere, anywhere but back... and I still wonder how she's doing, what she thinks of me, how she's getting along with my pscyho stalking ex who started driving the wedge between us. I find it funny how she's the one who told him, to his face, when we first started dating: "If you hurt her I'll kill you." Now she wants to be friends with him. Her reasoning, as far as I could deduce from her last email (a stab in the dark, I think; just to see if I'm still listening) was that since I wasn't being much of a friend (having failed to call or email her since the fiasco at my wedding, and by the way, she hadn't either), she needed companionship somewhere, and would rather be lazy and take the known lying cheating scumbag of an asshat that I used to date (thank Gott he dumped me) than get out of her little happy zone and go make new friends. I have a lot of leftover anger, confusion, humiliation, and feelings of betrayal from that breakup (can you tell?) that's in the queue for therapy. Now here's just another thing to add to it, to fold up and put in a drawer to be dealt with later.